I answered the phone. DAMN IT TO HELL. Oh my bleeding heart, I can not get away from this man. Word to the wise, any of you thinking of trying it heed my advice, never date your friends. It doesn't work because girlfriends act a hell of a whole lot different than platonic friends and when it's over it sucks because you strike out twice with one swing. Do you know this man had the nerve to ask me to a movie like nothing is happening. I played it off and was like I don't think so because I might have something else planned. He went bizerk questioning me and loosing his mind. Well, well, well, looks like somebody is jealous. Why is it a double standard for men and women? Why is it that when men cheat we're supposed to let boys be boys but when we do it take cover because somebody might get their chin checked. Excuse me but I want to ask a question and I need to come correct so please don't mind my language. Why is there a difference between giving up the dick and giving up the pussy? When I asked him what he would do if I cheated on him he straight told me, "I would probably be two seconds off choking you and I would leave your ass alone." But he expects me to just get over it and skip to a movie like I don't know about his late night creeps. What's the basis?

I'm so glad to be home. I left at an unusual 5 today I just couldn't take it anymore. My job is demanding and I wished all day that just once somebody would look at me and realize I just didn't want to be fucked with today. But there are no emotions in the corporate world and I have long ago learned that a breakdown like I'm going through is for the home not the office so I sucked that shit up and got on with my grind. Half the day I was dodging calls, I don't know why he does that shit to me at work but he thinks I'll answer there quicker than I will my cell phone. He knows that before he was a welcome break from my stress when my slave driver is working me too hard but now he might as well pick up his own whip cause he adds to my stress as much as they do. The calls stopped about mid day and I haven't heard anything from him since. Now my stomach is in knots and I keep checking my phone. I AM NOT THAT GIRL. Who the fuck am I turning into? I talk from time to time with one of my co-workers she's cool and sometimes I air my problems out to her and she does the same in turn. I couldn't bring myself to tell her today at lunch that it's really over this time. I couldn't bring myself to expose myself like that. Almost like I felt guilty, I couldn't make this work and I feel like I failed. In every situation there's a winner and a loser right? At some moments when I'm hearing "I will survive" playing in my head and I'm channeling Angela Basset when she set homie's shit on fire and exhaled, I feel like I won. I'm beautiful and successful, smart, funny, charismatic, and compassionate shit I'm a good catch. I have class and style and "I'm a grown woman, dawg". He's missing out. He should be crawling at my feet, because I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. But in these lonely times when I'm sitting here staring at the screensaver on my phone I feel like the loser. Thinking why won't he call me. I don't want to answer I just need him to call, just so I know he's broken up like me.

It feels like I'm coming undone. He stopped calling last night at about ten. It's a good thing because now I don't have to talk myself out of answering. I haven't been able to do anything today. I just finally got out of bed and began to face the world sort of. I was supposed to go and visit with my family today and I can't do it. I can't put on a smile and pretend like my world isn't crashing down around me. Usually I'm good at it, tomorrow I'll have to but today I just want to be pissed off. I feel low because my family is taking the backseat to my grief. I work an awful lot and on the weekend when I'm not on my grind I try to give the majority of my time to them. My cousin called today and told me someone busted out her front windshield. She's been sleeping with a married man so you do the math. We didn't discuss that though, she doesn't need I-told-you-so's today, she needs $300. What the fuck is going on is anybody faithful. I'm in my early 20's and let me tell you dating and relationships in the African American community for people my age is a joke. I feel like a leper because I believe in monogamy and the world around me acts as if they don't have a clue what it means. My brother, love him to death, has more women than he has fingers and they all have had run ins with each other. They fight with each other and continue to sleep with him, what the fuck! They play on each others phones and vandalize each others property. And mind you this is my older brother these women are 25-30. When did it become okay to act like a fool in public over a man? You should hear them they justify it and almost are proud of themselves when they have won a battle against another mistress all the while thinking they've won the war, but next week they catch him at the other girl's house again and the saga continues. I know a girl that calls her boyfriends other girl when she can't find him, she simply asks if he's there and this is okay. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THESE PEOPLE. But am I being old fashioned and behind the times by wanting a man to be with me and only me. In these new times, is it normal to be faithful or is it normal to cheat?

I'm breaking up. I don't know why I want to express myself about this, maybe it's therapeutic. Or, maybe I want to tell my story to save some other woman from feeling the way I do now. He's my best friend. Was my best friend, actually I'm not even sure at this point. We had been separated for a year when he sent me flowers to my job making promises and apologies to make up for the pain he caused long ago and I fell for it. That was in the past and this was new, that's what I told myself. Plus I missed my homie. I don't have many friends, hell honestly I don't have any, just him. He's the only person that understands my moods, understands my crazy. Damn good friend, fucked up boyfriend but that's life. He told me lies about not being able to live without me and I believed it. My feelings came back strong, like our love never missed a beat. I love him. Those words carry all the weight of the world for me. They're real like morning. Morning will always come. I'll always love him and that's the way it is. Hold up I need to light this cigarette. I haven't smoked in two years and I'm doing it now pouring out my soul. Look how he's got me acting now. Four weeks ago he came to my house and used my computer early in the morning before I got up to go to work and left his email open. I'm not that check your voicemail, email, etc. kind of woman but something told me to look after he left. And I found her words. I don't know if he did it on purpose or if he just slipped that day but whatever it was it happened and I haven't been able to think of anything else since. I asked him about her. I needed to know what it was about her to make him throw away five years. Five years of friendship, five years of loving, our life. He told me she didn't mean anything and she could never be me. I don't know if that should make me feel better or worse. After that tear in my reality I tried to be mature and work it out. This is my life and I'll be damned if some poptart comes in and takes it from me. I love him and she could never begin to imagine what we have and what she destroyed. But the blame is not all hers. She's a woman just like me, looking for someone to love her. He keeps calling me that's him now. I didn't answer this time. I'm getting stronger. But if he leaves a voicemail I can't say I won't check it. He's smart keeping his voice in my head he won't let me be free. He slept with her in his bed. The same bed he has loved me in. The same bed we shared secrets in. I wonder if she heard my voice in her dreams while she slept there. I wonder if she could feel the traces of me. I told him that I could handle working it out and we could put it behind us. I lied. I lied to him and me. I can't stop thinking about her, he brought her into my life. We spent the night together last night, in that bed. I kept thinking about what he told her in that room in that bed and I cried. All night he slept and I cried trying to understand what it was that made him betray me that way. I woke up this morning and he was touching me, owning me like I wish I still owned him. My body remains his untouched by any other man, he owns me still because I didn't move his hands away. It pissed me off to know he still has that kind of power over me. Before I could say good morning his doorbell was ringing repeatedly. I'm a woman, I know what's up. He got nervous. I know him he's my whole life and I know how he reacts to things. He left my side and started to look around the room for his clothes like he didn't know where they were and I watched him, doorbell still ringing. She was pissed off. He went into the front room and looked out the window and to the intercom but he didn't answer. She was still ringing. The ghetto girl in me said throw on your clothes and go down stairs and look that bitch in the face. But the woman in me said chill. This isn't about me or her it's about him. She finally left and I got dressed, washed him off me and put my clothes on. That straw broke my back. He questions me about my mood. We fought nothing major but just enough to put my emotions in the air. I want him to feel me. He asked me if I was leaving him. Stupid question. I'm in love, but I'm not a doormat. I came home and slept comfortably. I slept in my bed, the bed that has only held me and him. He can rest here and know that he still rules this castle, he's still the man. I lie there and think about bringing some other man into my bed to even the score, I can't defile my body like that so I just sleep and hurt. I have to leave him and it's hard but I do. I answered the first two calls that came through, he's asking about trivial shit, reaching for a conversation. Trying to have anything else to say to me. That's it with the phone calls I'm not answering anymore. We'll see how that goes.